The Night the Host Club Went to Mardi Gras
by nocturnaltibet
Summary: What happens when you combine sparkly boys and alcohol? Hilarity that's what, well and chaos, especially when Tamaki blows things out of porportion. How did Kyoya end up in Tamaki's bed? Why is Haruhi in jail? Did Mori and Honey get married?
1. Part 1 Tamaki

_The Night the Host Club Attended Mardi gras_

Part One -Tamaki

Oh shit, that was an AWESOME party. I was so wasted. What did I do last night? Why is Kyoya in my bed…WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON? _Get a hold of yourself Tamaki there is a logical explanation for this_. Fuck logic, it's me we're talking about.

BUT KYOYA, WHHHAAATTTTTTT! He's my best friend. We didn't…no we couldn't have… I don't see any condoms. God, I'm going to smack myself later.

"KYOYA, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?" I ask shaking him violently.

That's when I see those eyes, those piercing gray eyes of the beast staring machetes through my face. Kyoya is NOT a morning person. _Oh God, don't kill me, please._

He punches me, grunts, and rolls over. Damn you, Kyoya.

_Two hours later…_

"HARUHI IS WHERE? YOU, IDIOTS! HOW COULD YOU HAVE LET THIS HAPPEN?" I scream at those idiot twins.

"She's in jail, boss," says Hikaru.

I pace holes in the floor, while frantically thinking of a way to get Haruhi out of jail; how could my precious little girl be in jail. Jail is not a good place for her. What if something bad happens to her?

_The theater of Tamaki's mind_…_Smoke fills the air as the figure of a young girl comes into focus. She's wearing a gray jump suit and smoking a joint. She's pinned against the wall by another female inmate with a paddle, Haruhi giggles..._

"Tama-chan, it isn't the twins' fault, we were all there last night," Honey-senpai says.

"Yeah," recites Mori-senpai. DOES HE EVER SAY ANYTHING?

"We have to bust her out of jail. She's only a little girl. What if she turns bad? What if she gets sold for a pack of cigs? What if she becomes someone's bitch?" I say very quickly.

I sit on the floor and sulk.

"You mean someone's bitch who isn't you, boss?" says Kaoru.

I glare over my shoulder at him. Evil smirks form on the faces of the Hitachiin twins. What are those little devils thinking? Should I be worried?


	2. Part 2 Hikaru and Kaoru

Part Two—Hikaru and Kaoru

_Two hours ago_

He he he. That was EPIC. We should totally do it again! I have never been this hyper in my life. SUGAR RUSH! Wow, I LOVE coffee. Whippeee!

"Get a grip, Hikaru," Kaoru tells me.

I'm so busy running around the room I don't notice Kaoru has kicked a chair out in my path. I trip, fall on my face, get up, laugh and keep going. I'm like that stupid bunny from those battery commercials that keeps going and going. WOOOHOOO!

Oh man! I have got to have another coffee. COFFEE! I don't know where all this commoner's coffee came from but it's totally being digested by me right now. It's in my belly.

_Maybe I should tighten the brakes a little. Nah._

"Um…Hikaru, I have no memory of what happened last night. Do you know where all this coffee came from? Better yet, where's Haruhi? She was supposed to have come home with us last night."

"Who?" I ask jumping up and down.

"Haruhi, the woman you love," Kaoru says.

Oh, Haruhi. My buzz temporarily dies. The woman I love…who doesn't love me back. That bitch. But still, she's so cute and…

_The theater of Hikaru's mind….a girl clad entirely in dominatrix style leather cracks a whip at a boy. He moans and begs her hit him again….Haruhi declares him a very disobedient little boy who needs to be punished…_

"Earth to Hikaru," Kaoru says, "you're drooling."

"Shut up, I am not," I say.

He's such a buzz kill.

_Ring, ring_ goes the phone. My head pounds at the sound of my twin's phone ringing.

"Hello. Haruhi's in jail? What did we do last night? Yeah, I'll tell him. Bye," I hear Kaoru say into the phone.

"Well," I say.

"That was Haruhi's dad. Apparently, your girlfriend is in jail and we're to blame. I don't really remember what we did last night but I bet it seems awesome. Especially since one of the club ended up in jail."

"HARUHI'S IN JAIL!"

"Probably an all girl jail," Kaoru says.

"Full of lesbians…" I say. Like the Lobelia Girls' Academy. I hate those bitches.

"Yeah, hot lesbians…"

_The theater of the twin's minds…. {CONTENT NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN}…_

"Who's telling the boss?" Kaoru asks, "Not it."

"Damn it!"


	3. Part 3 Kyoya

_Note: I know this doesn't seem to be going anywhere, but bear with me the story will come together shortly. I hope you all like it still. Please. Don't give up on me just yet. It's hard to keep the character's canon. Thanks for reading._

_The Night the Host Club Attended Mardi gras_

Part Three—Kyoya

_An hour before the club meeting…Kyoya has woken up_

I'm going to kill that idiot. First I have to find my pants. This place is a big mess. Well this is coming out of the Host Club's funds. Damn that idiot._ Maybe it wasn't him. I shouldn't be so quick to judge._

No, I could be right this time. Tamaki is prone to stupidity. It follows him everywhere. This is HIS room I'm in after all.

Of course, I could have ripped his arm off its socket after he shook this morning. _This place looks like a commoner's house. _

I feel disgusting. I have a headache. Where is the aspirin?

I walk into the bathroom to a sight more horrible than the rest of the house. This is to be expected when you're friends with Tamaki. Of course, Renge passed out on her "Powerful Motor" is a new one.

Mardi Gras beads and glitter on her neck make her look very out of place, French girls know how to party. Wow. She's barely clad in ANYTHING and she reeks of inebriation. Naturally, I will be billing her father for the cost to repair Tamaki's bathroom.

Its obvious things got way out of hand last night. _Seriously, where are my pants?_ This will certainly leave a black mark on the Club's reputation. I'll have to fix that after I locate my pants.

_During the meeting…_

So Haruhi's in jail. That's not surprising—my family's secret police force must have taken her in. No other police force would dare arrest a Host Club member. The idea is simply absurd. Still, if she's in jail, there must be a reason…or two.

"HARUHI IS WHERE? YOU, IDIOTS! HOW COULD YOU HAVE LET THIS HAPPEN?" Tamaki screams at the twins.

There he goes again. Stomping the floor, shouting, flailing his arms violently—next he'll probably sulk on the floor, shred paper and grow mushrooms. Sigh. He's so childish. But he wouldn't be the amazingly stupid dumb-ass of a guy I proudly call my best friend if he were any different.

I'm worried more about Tamaki than Haruhi. She's a smart girl; she'll hold together, I can't say the same for him.

_ Seriously, where the hell are my pants? _

Oh, I have a text. Wait, I have my phone but not my pants. How did this happen? Oh, the message…right.

I step away from the club argument. I have seen Tamaki and the twins argue enough, and I've watched Honey-senpai offer up cake as peace testament, this is nothing new so I don't think they'd mind if I stepped away for business. They won't even notice I'm gone.

Nekozawa-senpai sent the message. For a boy who likes the dark he sure does like to party. That's very uncharacteristic. Oh well, to each his own I guess.

I suppose I should take a look at the message.

Hum. Oh. That's new. I DID WHAT? I'm going to kill Tamaki!

_Seriously, I want my fucking pants!_

_Note: Kyoya always knows what's going on. What did he just find out? Well, I can't tell you yet. You'll have to wait a while to find out. _


	4. Part 4 Haruhi

_The Night the Host Club Attended Mardi gras_

_Information: After an unfortunate incident involving the twins, Haruhi ended up in jail. Let's hear her side of the story. _

_Part 4—Haruhi_

I'm going to kill those two idiots. I can't believe they got me thrown in jail. I can't believe I let them talk me into "helping" them in the first place. That was my first mistake.

_When I get out of here, I'm choking Hikaru first. _And to think I went on a date with that guy. I should stick with _El Stupido_. Only he thinks I'm his daughter. That guy needs to get a serious clue.

"Haruhi, let's go by commoner's coffee while in America, it'll be fun," says idiot number one. _I should have said no right then…oh wait I DID SAY NO. _

"Haruhi, if you don't play with us who will? Don't you like us?" says idiot number two. _I liked you fine until this moment. _

Note to self, COFFEE IS THE DEVIL!

All of it started over coffee. If I see coffee again it will be too soon. If I see those idiots again it'll be way too soon. I hope they choke on their fancy coffee beans. It's their fault I'm in jail. No, it's because of coffee that I'm jail.

Oh and I'm never coming to this country again. You can forget that. I can't wait to leave America. I hope to never return. Nope, Japan is safe enough for me. And I'm blackmailing Kyoya for the mess the Host Club got me in.

This is as much his fault as it is Hikaru or Kaoru's.

You know what's worse? I wasn't even drunk. Those two idiots were wasted when they came up with the plan, which was my second mistake—listening to drunken morons who share a brain.

_Good job, Haruhi, how are you getting out of this one?_ I don't even know what I did to offend the American police system to get thrown in jail. How does touching a container of coffee get a little Japanese girl thrown into the big house? There is something they're not telling me.

_LET ME OUT HERE, YOU BASTARDS! ARREST THE TWINS, IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT! I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE IN THE BIG HOUSE! _

How do I get myself into these situations?

_Note: I know I said this chapter was supposed to be about Mori about I was having a particularly difficult time with his chapter. So I wrote about Haruhi instead. I know this tells you nothing. But I'm building the suspense…while thinking of how I'm tying it all together. Bare with me a little longer please. Thanks. The next chapter should be posted soon. _


	5. Part 5 Mori

_Note: This chapter may tie up a few loose ends, except for the mystery of Kyoya's missing pants. I'm afraid that won't be clear for a while. Muhahaha! I'm that evil. Um…this will clear up some things…just read it. *there is a slight shonen-ai reference in regards to Mori and Honey. I can't help it. It's almost too canon. _

_The Night the Host Club Attended Mardi Gras_

_During Mardi Gras…and the morning after_

Part Five—Mori-senpai

This place is too noisy. How am I going to keep track of Mitsukni and Haruhi with this racket? Look at those two idiots, cooing over Haruhi like they have nothing better to do. I am not sure but I think its sexual harassment. Tamaki isn't going to be happy with them.

"Look, Takashi, there are Rasta's over there. I've never seen a Rasta before," says the sweetness that is Mitsukni. He drops something in his excitement before running closer for a better look.

I pick up the dropped item. I brush off Bun-bun. He'd be very upset if this got dirty. I can handle him, but I fear he might take it out on Hikaru and Kaoru. They won't be able to handle it.

Well Mitsukni doesn't seem to be in any trouble, I think I'll check on Haruhi. What are those two trying to get her to do now?

"Come on, Haruhi, I know it's a good idea," says Hikaru pulling on one arm.

"Yeah, you'll regret it if you don't" says Kaoru yanking on her other arm.

"No, I won't. Besides, you'll forgive me, you always do. Mori-senpai, help me!" Haruhi yells.

I smirk. Oh course I'll help her. God knows what'll happen to her if I don't.

I reach for Haruhi, but I stop. Where is Mitsukni? I scan the area near the Rasta's. He means more to me than anyone. I'm sorry Haruhi, but I have to find and help him.

"Where is Mitsukni?" I ask a Rasta when I grab his collar and lift him off the ground.

"Chillax, man, the little one is enjoying a snack. Sit down and try to relax. Here have a cupcake. This will help, I'm sure man."

"I don't want a fucking cupcake," I say through clenched teeth.

"Look Takashi, a pretty rainbow full of cake and bunnies. Oh boy!" says Mitsukni.

Is he…high? What is in these cupcakes?

"How many did he eat?" I ask.

"I stopped counting after six, man. He likes cupcakes."

Six…hash-filled cupcakes…I could die right now. How could I have been so careless? He could get hurt.

"This is a rabbit, man. May I see it?" asked the Rasta.

Before I can protest he snatches Bun-Bun from me. Mitsukni's honey colored eyes squint. His face flushes red in anger and the vein on his neck is protruding. Oh no!

I blink several times as Mitsukni gives the Rasta's a severe beat down. They weren't expecting it. How could they have been? He's four foot eight inches, wields a pink bunny, and looks like a five-year-old. No one in their right mind would figure him for a martial arts master.

But with him high like this, he isn't holding back. I should interfere before he kills one of them.

"Mitsukni," I say.

I grab him from behind and pin him to the ground. His fit of rage ceases. He hugs me and tears fill his eyes.

"Takashi, are you mad at me?" he asks.

I can't be mad at him. Well, I usually can't stay mad at him.

"No," I answer.

"Takashi, where are Haru-chan, Hika-chan, and Kao-chan?"

I forgot about them. I'm so careless. I was too concerned about protecting Mitsukni that I failed to protect Haruhi. No telling what those crazy twins could have done with her.

_The morning after…_

I receive a phone call from Hikaru. Haruhi is in jail. Apparently she robbed a grocery store at gun point. I find this highly unlikely. Haruhi…rob a store with a gun…fat chance. That's probably what the store clerk told the police when they came to take her away.

But why would Haruhi rob a grocery store? Is she that desperate for money? I know the host club would kindly give her some. Wait a minute, those twins were with her.

"Hika-chan, what really happened?" asks Mitsukni into the phone.

I have him on speaker.

"Well, it's kind of a long story. Stay on the line and I'll tell you about it. Just promise me you won't tell the boss…"

OH MY GOODNESS! THEY MADE HER DO WHAT? THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD. Yet somehow I feel like it's my fault.

_I know this isn't what you expected. But hang on. The next chapter goes back to Tamaki—which involves more pacing and more yelling and more growing mushrooms. After that, Kyoya gets to the bottom of everything…and maybe he'll find his pants, who knows._


	6. Part 6 Tamaki Souh

_Note: and so we're back to Tamaki. We're going to pick up where we left off. Now, keep in mind, Tamaki is an idiot. So even someone had spilled the truth, he wouldn't have picked up on it. He's pretty angry. _

_The Night the Host Club Attended Mardi Gras_

Part Six—Tamaki

_Setting: After the meeting_

Well of course I'm worried about what those idiots have done with my little girl. Why would she end up in jail and not them?

I pace the floor frantically. We have to bust her out of jail. I know. We can get into police cosplay and walk right into the prison and I could use my princely charm to distract the guard while the other's break her out. Yes, that is the best plan I've ever had.

"Tamaki, you're wearing a hole in the floor. If you don't stop it I'll have to reimburse the hotel. I don't want to do that," Kyoya tells me.

He wears _Speed Racer_ boxer shorts. I didn't expect that. You know, even though it's hard to take him seriously without any pants on, I still am very afraid that he'll do terrible things to me.

"Calm down, boss, it'll be alright," Kaoru says.

"NO IT WILL NOT BE ALRIGHT. IF WE MANAGE TO BUST HARUHI OUT OF JAIL I'M FORCING HER TO GET A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST THE TWO OF YOU!"

"Shut up, your voice is killing my hang over and my coffee buzz," says Hikaru.

"I'LL SHOW YOU A BUZZ KILL!"

Oh, I'm going to hit him so hard…Honey-senpai…

"But if we split the cupcake who gets the strawberry on top? I like strawberries so I guess I could eat it. But maybe one of them likes strawberries too. I don't want to be selfish and hog the strawberry for myself. Maybe we can flip a coin for the strawberry?" Say Honey happily, with wide eyes.

"Alright, I have a plan," I announce once Mori-senpai has forced Honey to sit down.

"Oh great," I hear Kyoya whisper.

"Since these two idiots got Haruhi thrown in jail…oh my poor precious little girl, must be sad and all alone."

_The theater of Tamaki's mind…Haruhi is drawing chalk figures of her Host Club friends on the wall of her cell. She has a big heart around Tamaki's…sighing she starts to confess her love to him…_

"Tamaki, you were saying?" Kyoya asked, adjusting his glasses.

"We can cosplay as cops and walk into the prison and I could use my good looks and princely charm to distract the guard while those two idiots rescue the girl."

"But if we rescue the girl, we'll get the girl's thank you kisses," The twins says together, smirking evilly.

I sit on the floor in the fetal position and rock back and forth. Thank you _kisses. _The words pain me. I CAN'T LET THOSE TWO IDIOTS GET MY GIRL! I WILL NOT LOSE!

"Tamaki, you're growing mushrooms again. Let me save you some trouble," Kyoya says.

"What? You don't like my idea?" I give him a puppy dog face.

"Tamaki, your idea is stupid."

Oh! I feel like I was stabbed in the face.

"Kyo-chan, we heard Haruhi robbed the place at gun point," Honey-senpai says.

Gun…point…Oi vey!

_The theatre of Tamaki's mind…Haruhi with a cigarette in her mouth wearing hardly anything, robs a store with a gun. She jumps on the counter and kicks the clerk with her stripper boots before firing off rounds from her chest…_

Out from behind a creepy door comes a young man with a cloak over his head. He's holding a cat puppet in his hand…Belzeneff scares the bejeezus out of me. He cursed me one time. I won't go into that now.

"Everyone, someone wants to tell us what really happened," Kyoya says.

Nekozawa throws off his cloak. He's laughing maniacally. My attention floats down to his lower half.

IS HE WEARING KYOYA'S PANTS? WHAT WHERE DID HE GET THOSE?

"You have my pants. I was looking for those," Kyoya says.

"So tell us what happened last night," Kaoru says.

"Wait, what makes us so sure he knows what happened last night?" Hikaru asks.

Nekozawa laughs, his blond locks dance wildly. He holds up a DVD. Oh my God. Is that what I think it is? This can't be good.


	7. Part 7 Nekozawa

Note: _this is the wrap up of the story. Pay attention. This is going to explain everything that happened during Mardi Gras. The truth... As told by Nekozawa-senpai. _

_The Night the Host Club Attended Mardi Gras_

Part Seven: Nekozawa

"Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai did what?" everyone asked together.

"Married, you heard me right. After Honey ate some hash cupcakes and kicked some Rastafarian ass, they stumbled into a bar. Mori got drunk, and in total irrationality confessed his love to Honey and the two got married."

"I didn't think that was legal in America," says Hikaru.

I smile to myself. Maybe I'm lying, maybe I'm not? I feel so bad (in a good way). Yes, I will admit that Honey did kick some Rastafarian ass, but he didn't I know how Mori feels about his little friend. I thought I would exploit it, in case he feels like confessing.

"Aren't we going to watch the DVD?" Kaoru asks.

"Oh this. No, it's just a copy of _Braveheart_ I'm loaning it to Kyoya," says Nekozawa, "I am the only eye witness to last night's events."

"How did Kyoya lose his pants?" Tamaki asks.

This is my favorite story. Of course it makes me gain a lot of respect for Kyoya because of it.

"Apparently, Tamaki was drunk and Kyoya was trying to walk him back to the hotel, when they were stopped. A hooker propositioned them. When Kyoya told her you two were underage she walked away disappointed. That's when the drunk idiot got the idea to chase after her. It lead to a scuffle in an alley involving large Americans. Kyoya, being a hot young sober Japanese boy, was pushed against a wall. The men were about to do the unthinkable to him when Tamaki stumbled over and pulled Kyoya's pants down, thinking it was a joke. Kyoya was released by the guy so he could chase Tamaki. Kyoya lost his pants in the process. I found them and picked them up. Then the two of you managed to get here and that's all I know."

Kyoya stared chainsaws at Tamaki. Tamaki turned white and slithered to the floor in fear.

"How did Haru-chan end up in jail?" Honey asks.

He takes a bite of a cake. Mori pats his head lovingly. He's such a dope. Why doesn't he just tell Honey how he feels? It's getting a bit tedious.

"She stole coffee from a market, plain and simple."

"Why would she get arrested for that?" Tamaki asks.

"Because she had a water pistol, the store clerk thought it was a real gun. Those two idiots put on their loving brother act to get out of trouble, too bad they were so wasted they don't remember making out."

"WE MADE OUT!" the twins shout.

They glare at each other then shrug it off.

"Why did she steal coffee?" Mori asks.

"Because those two wanted coffee and wasted all their money on alcohol. She stole a surplus of coffee for them."

"That's where the coffee came from," Hikaru states while rubbing his chin.

"What about Renge?" Kyoya asks.

"She just partied too hard. Poor girl."

"Hold on a minute, did Mori-senpai and Honey-senpai really get married?" Kaoru asks.

Mori blushes dark red.

"Takashi, are we married?" Honey asks.

"No."

Honey continues to stare into Mori's eyes. I wait. Is he going to tell him? He should tell him. He should definitely tell him.

"I love you too, Takashi," Honey says.

Mori kisses the top of Honey's head, smiling and blushing. He doesn't say anything.

"It's about damn time," says Kyoya and the twins.

Tamaki sits in the corner poking his index fingers together and looking exceedingly confused.

Well, that's what happened last night at Mardi Gras. I think we learned a valuable lesson. Alcohol and pretty rich boys don't mix.


End file.
